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About heathwilder

Proudly Autistic Director of Customer Experience at Sydney Theatre Co. Sydney based actor - TV Film and Theatre. Long time Sci-Fi & RPG geek My views are (of course) my own

Mental Health Monday: Burnout through many lenses

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(This piece of writing was created by my incredible friend Shelly and myself for our Neurodiversity and Wellness, Arts and Culture community that we chair)

You might hear the term “Burnout” talked about a lot and maybe you’ve felt that way yourself. 

But what is burnout?

How does burnout differ between different communities?

And what can you do about it for your co-workers, friends and yourself?

Defining Burnout

The World Health Organisation (WHO) points out that whilst burn-out is included in the 11th Revision of the International Classification of Diseases (ICD-11) as an occupational phenomenon, it is not classified as a medical condition.[1] 

Burn-out is defined in ICD-11 as:

“a syndrome conceptualised as resulting from chronic workplace stress that has not been successfully managed. It is characterised by three dimensions:

•  feelings of energy depletion or exhaustion;
•  increased mental distance from one’s job, or feelings of negativism or cynicism related to one’s job; and
•  reduced professional efficacy.”

WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION (MAY, 2019)

However, as the boundaries between work and home have blurred throughout the covid years, the occupational distinction has also become less fitting.  Evidence shows that burnout makes no distinction between paid or unpaid work and people undertaking unpaid home or care duties can also be impacted[2]. 

The Black Dog Institute and the UNSW School of Psychiatry[2a] have carried out studies into factors that commonly concur with burnout, including:

  • Anxiety/stress
  • Depression and low mood
  • Irritability and anger
  • Sleep disturbances
  • Lack of motivation or passion
  • Lack of concentration, memory loss or brain fog
  • Withdrawal from others
  • Physical symptoms such as aches, headaches, nausea and low libido
  • Emotional fragility

It raises the chicken v egg question on whether these factors are a cause of or caused by burnout, or whether they are all a symptom of an underlying issue. The same researchers are also undertaking a followup study to further investigate the features of burnout and its relationship with depression.

Neurodivergent Burnout

In the neurodivergent communities, conversations about burnout are quite common.  In fact many neurodivergent people come to uncover their uniqueness due to the burnout of trying to fly under the radar.  The challenges of living and working in a society not designed for us can mean frequent overload that can push us into meltdown, shutdown, and burnout.  Also life-changes can exacerbate challenges, for example transitioning from school to work, experiencing a mental health crisis, or the death of someone close[13].  Stigma can make prevention and recovery even harder.  

So how does neurodivergent burnout differ from the WHO defined burnout? 

A notable difference is in the causes of burnout [6]. Some of factors that lead to burnout for ND folk are:

  • Repeated sensory overload
  • Long term masking
  • Having social/sensory needs minimised by others due to appearing “fine” (i.e. “successful” masking)⁠
  • Not having access to the appropriate level of supports & accommodations ⁠
  • Difficult or unreachable expectations from family, school, work, or society
  • Executive Functioning fatigue following a number of stressors or transitions
  • When the overall load exceeds abilities + supports = burnout

But impacts of burnout can also present differently, including [7]:

  • Loss of skills
  • Loss of interest in dedicated interest areas
  • Emotional regulation issues
  • Added anxiety and depression

A study by Dr Dora Rainmaker at Portland State University[11], involved interviews with autistic adults. Whilst her studies have been in the autistic population, the sentiment aligns with other neurodivergent communities. Findings included:

 “… struggling with independent living, loss of self-belief, and being frightened that the loss of skills from the autistic burnout might be permanent.”

Dr. Dora Rainmaker

The results also pointed to a “lack of empathy from neurotypical people, who had difficulty understanding or relating to the autistic person’s experiences.”

What can we do about it?

Policy

On a policy level, it may be good to know that groups such as the Black Dog Institute are campaigning for workplace reform through methods such as their White Paper[9]. Actions your organisation can take include:

  1. Evidence-based training for managers regarding the resources available and actions they can take to recognise and respond to mental health risk factors in the workplace.
  2. Building mentally healthy workplaces.
  3. Taking immediate action on bullying, sexual harassment and assault.

Self-care

The most important way to recover is prioritising self-care as a protective measure against burnout and other mental health issues.  However self-care is often the first thing that gets sacrificed to work demands and stress.

So what is self care? 

“Self-care refers to the activities and practices that we deliberately choose to engage in on a regular basis to maintain and enhance our health and wellbeing.  Regular practices may include exercise, reading, meditation, disconnecting from technology, or talking with a friend or family member.”[10]

“When you take time for yourself to rest, reset, and rejuvenate you will actually have more energy to meet the demands of daily life as well as reduce or avoid the symptoms of mental ill-health.” 

Dr Jan Orman

But what does Neurodivergent self-care look like?

For Neurodivergent folk there are a few ways to recover in addition (or instead of) neurotypical burnout recovery.  In fact it’s worth noting that many neurotypical recovery techniques and interventions can be ineffective or even more overwhelming. Social support can add to overload, and even mindfulness may need a special touch as described by Sue Hutton[14].  

Neurodivergent affirming recovery methods can include [8, 11, 12]:

  • Deliberate reining back of tasks and responsibilities
  • Prioritising rest, recognising the necessity of healing, and equitable productivity
  • Careful unmasking where appropriate
  • Slow refocus on areas of interest and energy giving environments like nature
  • Outsource executive functioning tasks
  • Attending to sensory needs

Self-care Strategy

Prevention of burnout comes with increased awareness of needs and accommodation for those by workplaces, family and community.  Clear boundaries and formal supports are also key to keeping the overload at bay.

The Black Dog institute has a comprehensive self care template designed so that you can craft a personal self-care strategy that works for you. It will guide you through the 4 steps of self-care planning:

Step 1 | Evaluate your coping skills

Step 2 | Identify your daily self-care needs

Step 3 | Reflect. Examine. Replace.

Step 4 | Create your self-care plan

You can download a copy HERE [10]

Follow up

If you are feeling burnout, run down or depression it’s worth talking to a mental health professional starting with your doctor.  But if you are feeling that that’s a big first step try reaching out to the people around you and in your communities. Talking can help and it can make that journey more manageable by taking it one step at a time.

Go well!

PS– what to learn more? Check out this upcoming workshop on Autistic Burnout:

__

Resources

  1. Burn-out an “occupational phenomenon”: International Classification of Diseases World Health Organization (May, 2019)
  2. Experiencing burnout? Here’s what to do about it BlackDog Institute (Feb, 2023)
    1. Burnout diagnosis one step closer with new clinical checklist and predictor of which personalities are most at risk BlackDog Institute (Jul, 2021)
  3. The Cost of Workplace Stress in Australia Medibank (Aug, 2008)
  4. Importance of self-care planning | Black Dog Institute 
  5. Autistic burnout, explained https://doi.org/10.53053/BPZP2355 Spectrum News (Mar, 2020)
  6. Autism and ADHD Burnout Recovery — Insights of a Neurodivergent Clinician Dr Neff, Neurodivergent insights (Jun, 2022)
  7. “Having All of Your Internal Resources Exhausted Beyond Measure and Being Left with No Clean-Up Crew”: Defining Autistic Burnout | Autism in Adulthood  (Raymaker et al., 2021)
  8. Navigating Autistic Burnout: Self-care strategies to recover and recalibrate – Reframing Autism Justine Field, Reframing Autism (Jan, 2023)
  9. Modern work: how changes to the way we work are impacting Australians’ mental health Black Dog Institute
  10. Importance of self-care planning Black Dog Institute
  11. CharWrites info graphics on Burnout recovery Char (Mar, 2023)
  12. Neurodivergent Dawn on ND Burnout and Recovery Neurodivergent Dawn (Jun, 2022)
  13. Understanding autistic burnout Dora Raymaker, National Autistic Society (Mar, 2022)
  14. Learning to Celebrate Neurodiversity in Mindfulness Sue Hutton (Oct, 2020)

Autism Tests and the Arrogance of “Normality”

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There are a bunch of fun and interesting tests that do the rounds of the neurodivergent and autistic communities every now and again. Some draw from rich experience and colour of the community, whilst others are built from the doctrine of Asperger* & Lovaas* treating us as if “they are not people in the psychological sense”. Yes ND and autistic people are horrendously marginalised still, so when doing any of these tests it’s important to remember that it’s not a Cosmo quiz and experiences may vary.

(Before I get too soap-boxy) the folks over at Embrace Autism have collected a bunch of them and give each a description, a discussion on merits and the evolution of the test, notes on scoring and provide a comments page – always interesting. I’m looking for some fun ones for a meetup and this is a great place to go. I did however get sucked into the tractor beam of the RMET and I unpack my opinion below.

Reading the Mind in the Eyes test

Yep 10 in 16 minutes. RMET is so arbitrary and forced. There are recent studies of peoples thoughts of what they looked like when frightened compared to what they actually looked like and they are nothing alike.

Like the TASIT, RMET is a performative model of what neurotypical society agree are the proxies for emotion in the same way that sitcoms and soap opera’s use codified behaviour to indicate emotion. They are not testing reactive emotion displays but artistic expression of emotion. I was an actor and director for 25 years and am an executive on Australia’s largest theatre company. I know some of the actors in the TASIT test and that is acting – not real life. Say what you will about “method” acting or portraiture, they are devices to tell clear narrative. Life is not. I spent decades learning to act professionally neurotypical because (as Damian Milton proposes) NTs were equally bad at recognising my emotions. With context and knowledge I’m quite good at determining a persons mood and situation. But more to the point of empathy I act on it.

What is actually interesting is that the times I’ve met up with new autistic friends they are much more attuned to my emotional state with a much more limited exposure. This has always felt like we are naturally attuned to one another. That’s a metaphor rather than a factual statement but still often it’s with other ND and autistic folk that I get close to a feeling of home.

TASIT and RMET basically boil down to a culturally specific ink blot test, or a test to see if you have the cultural secret to enter a club.

* the former a Nazi scientist who experimented on children and the latter one of the creators of gay conversion therapy and the founder of Applied Behavioural Analysis – still the western standard therapy for autistic children. Summarised here

Technology providing access (where society won’t)

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This week I went to a wonderful accessible arts panel discussion on accessible tech in the arts. There are a lot of everyday uses of technology to use technology to increase the accessibility of arts and culture and our exceptional panel of Sophie Penkethman-Young (Australia Council), Marcus Wright (MCA), and Simon Buchanan (Sydney Opera House) unpacked a wide field of these. Technologies such as digital performance, alt text and captioning, digitally delivered workshops, Virtual narrators, Augmented Reality deepened experiences, and AI created audio description … yes Artificial Intelligence made it’s face known.

Lately, in so much of the conversation, Chat GTP, and the AI successors, has dominated the subject of technology and art. Whether it’s artists having their work used as a platform for training AI without their consent, to using AI to develop writing art and critique of writing and art.

But it’s in the most banal ways that AI could be an accommodative tool for those of us with disability. We may argue the merits and value of a novel or poem written by AI. But what about AI writing your grant proposal. On that artists seem to agree. Maybe not the whole thing, but for those of us struggling regularly with executive functioning dilemmas. Contrary to the narrative of procrastination and avoidance that saviours like to peddle, or the adjectives that beaten down neurodivergents find the selves reciting, some executive functioning issues come from the difficulty in engaging with an unmotivated task or from a difficulty in cracking the introductory social format that is often where we find our lives. Having and AI write a rough and inaccurate opening that you could take on for a spring board into self expression is a wonderful idea.

There are many technologies that we use and will arise to help us meet the goals of an inclusive society. But they really need to start with the opening up of society to be more inclusive. Having no meeting agenda or notetaking could be taken away by speech to text capture or AI inferred agenda in retrospect. But the thing that will get us to a harmonious society is not technology filling the gaps – it for there to be no gaps from the designing of the way we want our future society developing.

How do we make work sustainable?

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I came across Katherine May’s new blog post at 2 am on a Sunday trying to finish up work. As my life is more irony than substance these days I think it’s worth putting up.

It’s an important call to action. How do we make our work more sustainable? There are a couple of points in there for me

  • How do I automate manual tasks
  • How do I delegate with the goal of improving the work outcomes and career growth of others
  • How do I set up cross collaborations to distribute the load and remove bottle necks
  • How do we upskill for self-service and empowerment

Sustainability of work is easier to handle (and harder to refute) if it becomes about raising others up. Whilst I might be “essential” if I’m the sole knowledge holder I am also limiting my ability to take leave, adding risk to the risk matrix, and stopping others from understanding my needs. And sharing information can lead to great collaborations.

So perhaps there is something in that. Collaboration and advocacy can be used to create a healthy work structure.

One last thing though is the Black Dog Institutes self-care template. It’s a guide more than a prescribed set of marketing fluff, so common with these themes. You set the tasks that work for you at a rate you can take on. Well worth a look.

How to use self-care planning to improve your emotional wellbeing, even when you don’t think you need it

Small but kind

Aside

We’ve had a few nests of paper wasps at our house over the past 5+ years.  Over the years they’ve started a few nests, small ones off a few cells that they’d sometimes abandon for unknown reasons and sometimes they come back to them. They are small clustered tubes of grey, looking like loose bunches of Sunday newspapers bought from some tiny delivery kid on their weekend paper route around the garden, and turned into a paper mache bouquet.

They meant even more to my partner, spending days in the garden they’d often watch her work as much as she watched them. Once a spider built an elaborate web overnight surrounding their nest, and they watched with patient faces as she deconstructed the web and moved the spider on. 

Over seasons their family grew with the size of the nest. Some summers, tubes were capped with wax as little wasplings grew inside to emerge weeks later. Of a night they sometimes shelter on the flat top of the nest, or crawl in a tube for shelter from wind. 

Recently we had huge storms across the coast. Rain and flooding were intense and the winds were worse. Coming home one morning we noticed that their nest had blown down onto the path in front of our door. A few wasps were at the roof where the best used to be, and a couple more were at the grounded nest. It was easy to read the tragedy with human experience, in their frantic but futile action. We hit a small still from the house and some super glue and easy enough put it back in the position that it fell from. The wasps watched us from the roof or hovered about, but never tried to sing us even as we handled their home for over a minute, with them clinging onto it. It stayed attached and they immediately got back to work replacing wax and trending to anything in the sealed tubes; making repairs to their long-lived home and staring at us,  as they sometimes do, while we work near them.

Then on Friday, in a brief moment, we were out, that all changed

Human neighbours must have had some internal pest control done, and one of them crept over our fence and sprayed the nest with some poison. Then they took off. Years and generations of our considerate neighbours were destroyed by human xenophobia and an inbuilt need for destruction. 

It’s difficult not to think that humanity is the earth’s story case scenario. Too short-sighted and greedy to do anything more than squeeze the last drop of personal gain off their environment in their short lives and too arrogant to stop graffitiing the landscape with boasting of their own greatness.

Sometimes I get weary of hoping that humanity will change. They perform horrors on one another without learning from the past, led by greedy men, or unable to challenge their own ego and empathise with another, praising the genius of the wealthy as if there was a linear relationship between abundant wealth and the ethics of accumulating and hoarding it. 

There will never be a day when we are free from the tyranny of ourselves; but I do hope that a collective consciousness, an ethical understanding, is reached whereby we can continue as something greater than ourselves. Less destructive and more considerate of our place in time. 

There are people that I’d want that for. There are still people that connect me to the species of my birth.

Neurodiversity and Burnout recovery

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exercise & mental wellness

In the past I have been an irregular participant of running and hiking, but presently swimming is my go-to exercise. For me exercise is less about physical fitness and  more for quietude; for self reflection and regaining control. When I’m swimming I can’t get overly ambitious. If I swim more vigorously I’ll start gasping for air and my performance drops as my anxiety rises. Swimming laps is both rhythmically monotonous and also holistically stimulating. For a neurodivergent brain such as mine that is a sweet combo. Being regular and repeated there is nothing to distract me. The only thing my brain can do is go along for the ride, which is a great meditation. We’ve covered our breathing Mental Health Monday. 

So what’s with all the swimming? Well at the moment I’m recovering from burnout.  A new job coupled with some personal troubles has led to overload on top of overload until I was scraping the bottom of the barrel.  The first step is realising you have a problem.  The next is dealing with it, and swimming has been one of the ways of combating the anxiety and depression that can come with burnout*.

So what is the broader word on exercise being good for mental health? 

In addition to making me hungry, the Mayo Clinic[1] has some comprehensive advice about exercise balancing out depression and anxiety. I know that when I’m depressed, drumming up motivation for exercise can feel impossible.  Joining a dance class with instructors shouting “Woo!” is not my thing. I learnt early in life that I’m not much of a “woo” person – even at my emotional peak. But exercise doesn’t mean olympic level training, or filming a TikTok of you over exerting in lycra. It can be as simple as walking.  Research from Stanford found walking can increase your creative output by 60%[2].

Any physical activity can be beneficial, including gardening, washing your car, and the covid staple – walking around the block. 

Doing 30 minutes or more of exercise a day for three to five days a week may significantly improve depression or anxiety symptoms. But smaller amounts of physical activity — as little as 10 to 15 minutes at a time — may make a difference[1]

[1] Mayo Clinic (2017) Depression and anxiety: Exercise eases symptoms 

Probably one of the most promising findings is that regular exercise of any intensity has a protective effect against future depression and is recommended to prevent recurrence of depression[3].  The Black Dog Institutes info sheet on Exercise & Depression has a lot more information[4].

For a lot of us putting our personal needs first is difficult. Advocating for others is a great way for me to trick myself into doing work for my own good. For example, finding time to swim everyday is hard. But when I saw the Laps for Life charity to raise money for youth mental health it was a great way to align a cause that I support with my own needs. So far this month I’ve swum over 10km in 12 days.

Heath in a towel talking to a little toy duck and wearing yellow childres floaties

So in case you find yourself struggling, changing your scene with some light exercise might help you get back on track. As always though, reach out if you are doing it hard. A health professional like your local Dr is a good first port of call, as are friends, family and your support network. 

Let me know what your experience is with exercise and mental wellness.

* never fear we are not going to gloss over the thorny topic of burnout, and the 41 flavours that it takes throughout the neuro-diversi-sphere.  It is a solid topic that deserves its own conversation(s). Just preferably when I’ve had a bit of a repair.

References

[1] Mayo Clinic (2017) Depression and anxiety: Exercise eases symptoms 

[2] May Wong (2014). Stanford study finds walking improves creativity 

[3] Harvey, S. B., Øverland, S., Hatch, S. L., Wessely, S., Mykletun, A., & Hotopf, M. (2018). Exercise and the Prevention of Depression: Results of the HUNT Cohort Study. American

Journal of Psychiatry, 175(1), 28–36.

[4] Black Dog Institute, Exercise & Depression | Black Dog Institute

[5] Schuch, F. B., Vancampfort, D., Richards, J., Rosenbaum, S., Ward, P. B., & Stubbs, B. (2016). Exercise as a treatment for depression: A meta-analysis adjusting for publication bias. Journal of Psychiatric Research, 77, 42–51. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jpsychires.2016.02.023

[6] Laps for Life charity fundraiser https://www.lapsforlife.com.au/fundraisers/heathwilder

Holidays are stressful, so let’s chill. Inclusively!

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The holidays are rough for a lot of us. A lot of expectations and traditions that are counterproductive in a neurodivergent context.

If I may, I think there are three things going on for me during holidays. Being transparent of these differences can be helpful in coming to a mutual understanding.

1) I understand the premise of reconnecting and bonding time and the rituals that feature in the neurotypical way of doing things. And whilst connecting is important to neurodivergent folk as well, without accommodation, it can cause the disconnection and friction instead. For example; planning a group outing without including the needs of the other ends up feeling … like you are not being included. Diversity is being invited to the party; inclusion is being asked to dance; (Belonging is having a place on the planning committee).

2) Forced interaction, without built-in recharge time, is damaging for us hugely.  Often it leads to meltdowns, arguments and an erosion of trust.  You wouldn’t continue to go on a kite flying activity if thunderstorms rolled in – so why would you insist on Disney World during the holidays season for autistic folks without sensory breaks built in.  For friday night drinks in a noisy bar just because “that’s the way everyone else does it”?

3) Parallel play is intimate play.  I’m understanding more and more that this is not only an autistic child development thing. Perhaps it’s due to heightened awareness of the other person and thanks for the deceased social load; perhaps it’s just that we don’t have to be made of social hierarchies and continual reinforcement; nevertheless doing things together but separate is legitimate. 

Speaking of inclusion in holidays  Ludmila Praslova PhD wrote a great piece on LinkedIn  about sharing the holiday period inclusively. It’s a very broad in it’s thoughts of being inclusive, something I’m working on being in myself (you can read the full article here).

Is “My Neurodiversity is a Superpower” helpful or not?

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This idea is going around all the socials again. All ND folk get the “ADHD/ASD/Dyslexia etc makes my special person super special” or more commonly “is great for business”. But the absolute refutation of neurodivergence being positive has crept back.

The former I have sympathy with, as much as if I had ever heard it from a neurodivergent pal. The world is constructed in such a way that we are set up to fail. If by chance something helps you get an edge in a particular situation and finally feel good about yourself then great. Celebrate the heck out of that superpower. There will be time enough that you will struggle with Lex Luthor and their kryptonite.

The later is where the Superpower slogan really comes from. Organisations, government departments and people out to celebrate the monetary value of neurodiversity. The fact that the majority of the programs are below standard pay level and are run by no ND folk without input into accommodations are a huge problem. Excellent ND lead orgs like Genius Within exist that are the exception but by and large the answer to ND folks low employment rate is met my “How can I profit from this”. Using Elon Musk, or some other (usually white, male, privileged) icon as an example of “success” is more of the problem and more with marketing the inequity.

Heath doing that Clark Kent revealing the Superman costume under the shirt pose. I can admit I have a problem

What I do take exception to is punching down on anyone that has a moment of success and want to feel good about themselves wrt their neurotype. For the sake of everything that’s good, please knock it off. The fact is we have spikey profiles. We find some things easier and some things harder than the baseline. If you want to call the first bunch superpowers and the last kryptonite go for it. But the fact is, the things that neurotypicals are worse at than us, have been built into the rules or society to accommodate THEMSELVES for. Things like sitting still, social unstructured offices, working to a timetable rather than to interest … social structures that set us back. Every time we can’t equally compete in a world built for others or struggle due to difference socially, we are then called disordered and diseased.

Something I’m coming to rediscover is that projects not in conscious attention are still being worked on. My idea, and self experiment, is: if I start an idea with motivation, wire frame it out in my mind, then step away from it by dropping it out of conscious attention, when I pick it back up later I’ll have additional detail, and it’ll surface again when a new connection is made in parallel to the thing I’m doing in conscious work. This is really apparent when I’m getting across a whole business plan and linking detail to strategy. Procrastination and distraction don’t describe that process, and neither does multitasking. But it’s often used to describe what I’m doing.

To be honest I think there are a couple of things in the ND community that worry me. It’s hard not to fall in line with being told “it” – ie. our neurotype – is a disorder and a horrible problem, and by association so are we. I understand us thinking that, as it’s written in the descriptive title “disorder” given to us. It’s compounded by work practices and training that are designed for people unlike us. So we struggle to be something we’re not, using methods that hinder us, and can cause us pain. This leads to poor performance, and feedback that we don’t live up to our “potential”, further driving down our sense of self and acceptance of the deficit narrative.

But given space to thrive and practices that support us we can do exceptional things. But often these relaxation of the rules are a privilege afforded to the usual demographics, commonly white, male, financially secure, etc. I’d love to see that acceptance/practices/support extended to all demographics. So team meetings, but start with an agenda, have notes and end with action items (for executive functioning). Meeting spaces where distractions are minimised but doodling is OK (for stimming/fidgeting). Where text, voice and visuals are equally supported (for accessibility).

If neurodivergence is a disease, and treatment of it’s symptoms include, working with an ADHD coach to use motivation mapping to keep an interest in focus, or inventing BuJo to keep your life in a forward flow without (or even despite) executive function collapse, then by that logic every organisation psychologist should be called a medical specialist treating the disease of neurotypicality. I’m not saying it’s wrong, but I’d like some equality there. There are stacks of stuff in every Adam Grant book that don’t apply to me – but they are great skills and tips that I have to motivate and accommodate my NT colleagues.

None of the discarded crochet sets I did with my grandmother are about crochet; the squash racket in the back closet from my brief university days getting thrashed by my 70yo Professor, is about squash; the guitar that I spent 72hours learning Bohemian Rhapsody on when I found out that my dearest friend loved that song (on the eve of her birthday), was about guitar; the card game, since unplayed, that I played with my mum after her stoke, in her last days, was not about cards. They are about the attention and motivation and interest that was all consuming – in that relationship.

I get it. Sometimes I hate being different. I’m Autistic with my ADHD. I’m a reasonably good looking, intelligent and nice guy. Not being able to connect in a relationship till I was 27, losing jobs and burning out of university … that almost killed me. I’m a 28 year sober alcoholic. I blamed myself for being lazy and weird because everyone else seemed to say it first. What was odd though was that I also did exceptional things when everyone was in a crisis and saw the world in ways that were clear when others were baffled. Because of that I had friends when I was (ie: my “superpowers” were) exceptionally useful and no support when I needed it. That changed though. I’m making supports. I’m making support structures for others and fighting for inclusion. I’m old enough and accomplished enough (in the good times) that NTs have to put me in their hierarchy. So now I can make space and change and help others up. I’m strong enough now to meltdown and break in ways that we’d normally do in private and shame, but follow that up with education and transparency to try to get accommodation and acceptance for others. Some days I’m really kicking off the bottom and it’s a struggle to go on. I still hear the R word, and get questioned on my worth and ability.

But I show up every day.

So no. I will never subscribe to a disease model of ADHD (or Autism or dyslexia etc). I won’t talk about neurodivergence as a thing I can be separated from, like it’s a parasite hiding the real perfect me underneath. Because that’s not true and that helps nobody. What does help people, the neurominority, is lobbying and pushing for equitable rights. Equitable workplaces and social settings. Acceptance and awareness and appreciation.

We drew a line in history today.

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We drew a line in history today.

On one side my friend,
The other, I alone. 

I do the same today as yesterday,
But something is missing.
Meaning.

Hollow, 
Like the largest nesting doll,
Missing a little one inside.

Ah, this life. 

We drew a line. 

(3 Nov 2007 – 3 Oct 2022)

Reflections Post TLCC 2022

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I wrote some loosely SQL structured poetry over two nights, on a mini laptop at the bar (eating my vegan sliders)

REFLECTIONS POST TLCC 2022

Settling into a new job, I was trying to explain the irreverent majesty that is Nerd Summer Camp1 to those of who have only seen it through rumour and the social media posts. Every time I try to explain TLCC to anyone I end up feeling like Judy Garland returning from Oz, and trying to convince her family that a magical place really exists.

From the emotional wave of ‘feels’ on social media, the dulcet tones of the Tessiturians (that majesty I was talking about), to the Campbellan journey of Jen Skelly’s lanyard2, it could seem pretty baffling. Even for those of us there it can be a lot to unpack.

On the way home I took some R&R  in San Francisco while trying to wrangle my head and heart, like a parent collecting sugar fueled kids from a birthday party. With no small irony, I  found some focus at a late night Jazz bar that serves (non-alcoholic) Kombucha cocktails.  Yeah, I was that guy, minus the man-bun and ill advised facial hair.

Anyway I wrote some loosely SQL structured poetry over two nights, on a mini laptop at the bar (eating my vegan sliders).  As I was in San Francisco (and had rewatched Mike Myers in “So I Married and Axe Murderer” again on the flight in), I went the full mile to gave it a spoken word recording.  Given Andrew’s keynote unveiled his new love of great poetry I thought it’d be fun to share. 

TLCC (In some ways)

In some ways, 
            I’d forgotten 
what TLCC was like. 
Just how intense and overwhelming, 
                        joyful and exciting, 
                                    frightening and sad. 

The experience is something perhaps less like life, 
and better explained in Norse saga; 
            breathed into existence by Walt Whitman; 
                        found in an attic 
                                    as lost sketches for Picasso’s Guernica 
                                    or Brett Whitley’s alchemy. 

Feelings at TLCC seem taller, 
            and broader.
Like things that belong on the stage, 
            poured from the musing of artists; 
not from the office that supports it3

And perhaps TLCC has answers to that as well. 
(the) Andrew Recinos quoted Lao Tsu in his closing address 
            The wise have no minds of their own,
            finding it in the minds
            of ordinary people.4
And anyway, 
            are there wise people
                        at all? 

Something that my friend,5 
            Mary French 
            and I 
            talked about, 

when people say
            (sceptically or) in flattery, 
            “Are you the smartest Tessitura person here?” 

the answer is no 
            … but also yes. 

We are not the smartest, 

except that we are, 
            because we have the mind of the community behind us.  

We are a gestalt;

An incredible hive mind of ordinary people, 
            that do well on our own, 
but attain genius when we join together 
            in odd harmonies. 

And this becomes magnified, 
            geometrically, 
                        in that liminal space of conference 
as our minds do not sum as single blocks, 
but create new 3rd and 4th opportunities 
            between us 
                        that would never be possible apart. 

We are more chemistry than physics. 

With networking interactions happening at speed, 
and relationships 
            (previously existing in green lines of commented SQL 6
            or the brevity of forum assistance, 
                        between people at organisations, 
                        continents and hemispheres apart) 
are filled with both the details of real life, 
            emotion of people who understand 
                        your most frustrating predicaments and 
                        greatest achievements.  

In some ways, 
            TLCC is like 
                        meeting your parallel earth doppelganger. 
That person with a similar experience; 
the same frustrations with “that” department; 
that has won “that” personal battle 
            you’ve been fighting so long that 
            you’ve lost the image of success; 

and they can give you the key to success. 

They are that person that also struggles to be seen 
45+ hours a week, 
that validates all your experience.  

They are your reflection, 
            your potential energy, 
                        your soul. 

So,

In some ways, 
            It’s unsurprising 
that TLCC is such 
an emotional experience.


Spoken Word “In Some Ways”

[1] aka TLCC

[2] I’ve talked to my therapist extensively about the existential dread of wondering at the fate of Jen Skelly’s lanyard outside of the bubble that is pre-during-post conference that borders on the nature of quantum mechanics. Nietzsche said that we should live life as if the material world was all we could know, but if Jen Skelly’s lanyard only exists in the boundaries of a relative conference bubble, what is the fate of its existence post conference? Is there a post conference at all?  Could all the lingering feels that we have post conference be the first evidence of quantum superposition in social media. Scary stuff.

[3] I really don’t agree. I see art everywhere. Art is in the person not the job. Like Jack (Rubin) said everyone is a little bit manager and a little bit leader in differing ratios. Punching out into the great blue yonder and mapping the path behind.

[4] not that I think Andrew is “ordinaryifying” Lao Tzu, at least that’s not his primary point. Regardless, I think that Lao Tzu who was aware of the conundrum first, and in essence, was setting himself up. I imagine he’s giggling at his clever joke still.

[5] and saviour and idol

[6] I had the pleasure of thanking Brian Wilbur Grundstrom for the number of times he appears in code comments in my database from stored procedures I’ve gleefully poached